Memories For The Taking
by JillyW
Summary: Post ' No Man Left Behind' - not really an AU (though that would excuse any inadvertent departures from canon in my first MX fic!) but rather a 'what if...?' prompted by events between Jesse and Emma in that ep. Huge thanks to Chya for the beta, etc...
1. Part 1

A post ' No Man Left Behind' fic.  Not really an AU (though that would excuse any inadvertent departures from canon, this being my first MX fic!), but rather more a 'what if...?' prompted by events between Jesse and Emma in that episode.  With huge thanks to my best mate and fellow Jesse-drooler, Chya, for the beta, her encouragement and for being there to share with..."  
  
  
  
MEMORIES FOR THE TAKING  
  
By JillyW  
  
  
Part 1  
  
"OK, Jess, now!" Brennan Mulwray pulled to a halt in front of the flickering barrier of the force field blocking his way, and envisaged his Mutant X colleague 'phasing' silently through the wall of the control room to turn it off and let him out. His satisfaction at a mission accomplished – the removal of several gigabytes of information detrimental to the New Mutant cause – was only slightly marred by the pounding footsteps echoing down the underground complex's concrete corridors, indicating that his act hadn't gone totally unnoticed. But he knew he was far enough ahead to reach the exit just up around the next corner, providing Jesse shut the power off quick and got it on again as fast once he was through.  
  
Speaking of which... "Hey, Jesse, let's go, huh?" he hissed urgently into his com-link. "I'm about to have company, man!"  
  
  
Fifty yards away, Jesse Kilmartin started out of what he could only hope was a moment's reverie, blinking in confusion at the bricks a few inches from his nose as he struggled to remember what it was he was supposed to be doing there. Something important, he knew, something... in there? His hand lifted of its own accord to rest on the wall but, for long panic-filled seconds, he couldn't recall just how to do what his subconscious was telling him was needed.  
  
Brennan's disembodied voice came again, rising in volume as his anxiety grew, and that thankfully seemed to clear Jesse's mental block. With once again practiced ease he exhaled and went intangible, relieved by the familiar sensations coursing through him as he slid between the dancing molecules of bricks and mortar into the space beyond.   
  
  
Glancing over his shoulder at the now visible guards, Brennan was on the verge of powering up an electrical thunderbolt to see if he could deter them a little when the force field crackled out of existence. "About time!" he muttered under his breath, wasting no time in sprinting for the exit, but calling, "OK, I'm through," once he'd made enough ground. He felt the telltale prickle on the back of his neck as the power came on again behind him, effectively trapping his pursuers and giving him free run to the door out and home.  
  
Jesse was already sitting in the car with the engine running by the time he reached it, slamming it into gear and pulling away with a screech of tires almost before he'd got the door shut. And that did nothing to assuage Brennan's raised ire.  
  
"What the hell was that all about?" The adrenaline still running rampant through his system gave his words a harsh edge that wasn't lost on his younger companion.  
  
"What was what all about?" he demanded defensively, eyes glued to the darkened track leading to the main highway as they bounced along with only sidelights for illumination.  
  
"Where *were* you?" Brennan turned in his seat to glare accusingly at him. "I had the whole of Whicker's private army on my tail and you decide to take a nap?"  
  
"I didn't!"  
  
"Sure felt that way to me. You know, Adam should maybe have sent Shalimar – or even Emma. At least she knows how to keep her mind focused." As soon as the words left his mouth he knew he shouldn't have said them. But he was too far in to take them back now, even if he'd truly wanted to.  
  
Jesse stamped on the brakes, bringing the car to a violently slewing halt and forcing Brennan to throw out a hand against the dashboard to stop his forward momentum.   
  
"Wh...?" he started, but Jesse left him no time to say more, rounding on him with hostile eyes flashing orange in the reflected light from the gauges.   
  
"What are you trying to say, Brennan? That I can't do my job?"   
  
The undercurrents of hurt-tempered defiance and frustration brought back memories of the conversation they'd had while searching for a way into Sanctuary when Gabriel Ashlocke had been in residence there, and the elemental wondered distantly if there might be more of a problem here than the simple cry for peer recognition that he'd taken it for at the time. He shook his head, the heat-of-the-moment anger that had driven him fading in the face of the much stronger emotion emanating from his friend.  
  
"No, of course not. I just..."  
  
"Then what? I got you out, didn't I?" Jesse demanded heatedly, knowing he was over-reacting, that to a certain extent Brennan's criticism was justified. But his unexpected lapse at a critical moment had rattled him more than he would have liked, and he couldn't bear to admit to that weakness. And things weren't helped by the headache he could feel stoking up behind his temples.  
  
Brennan raised his hands, palms facing outwards in a gesture of pacification. "Hey, I never said you didn't – or that I wasn't grateful. Just that you cut it a bit fine." His attention was caught by something on the road behind them, and he continued, "Ah, like you might be here – we got company!"  
  
With a muffled curse, Jesse set the car in motion, heading at speed for the anonymity of the traffic-filled roads ahead. But the journey back to Sanctuary passed mostly in silence, broken only by the minimum of stilted communication relating to their mission as they reported back to base.  
  
The female element of the Mutant X team came out in force to meet them on their return. Shalimar Fox prowled the long corridor towards them as befitted the feral in her while Emma deLauro trailed in her wake, her little girl looks - enhanced by the over the knee socks she was wearing with her short skirt - belying the power of her mind.  
  
"Well," Shalimar purred with a sly smile and a toss of her golden mane. "I hear you boys've been having fun without us."  
  
"Yeah, well, don't believe everything you hear," Jesse cautioned, sending an unreadable glance in the direction of the man standing next to him. "But I'm sure Brennan here would love to fill you in. Me, I need some sleep."  
  
Brennan shrugged in response to Shalimar's raised eyebrow as the molecular turned on his heel and walked away. But neither of them noticed the flicker of unease that crossed Emma's face as she watched him go.  
  
  
**** 


	2. Part 2

Part 2  
  
Adam Kane paused on the balcony above Sanctuary's communal living area, listening to the ebb and flow of seemingly light-hearted banter between the four young people eating brunch down below.  His people - his family, in fact, the only family he had now, and he knew they'd all come to feel the same.  
  
Their mutations - for which he was ultimately responsible - had isolated them from those who should have supported and cared for them, the so called normal people who viewed their differing abilities as a threat or who simply couldn't cope with those differences, which left only the company of others like themselves who understood what was happening to them.  And him, of course, and he was proud of the way he'd helped his four protégés to come to terms with what they were and to view their powers positively, making amends in some small way for his actions all those years ago.  
  
The bond that had developed between them all as a result of those shared experiences was what gave Mutant X its edge, in his view, which was why he was standing there now trying to pick up some tangible manifestation of a vaguely sensed concern that had been nagging at the edge of his mind for the past few weeks.  In some way he couldn't quite put his finger on, the group dynamic had been subtly altering and, although it could just be a natural evolution reflecting the changes wrought by their recent 'new mutant' growth spurts, he felt he needed to get a handle on it just in case it proved to be something more.  
  
But from what he was hearing now, things were pretty normal – Brennan and Jesse were teasing Shalimar about the inadequacies of the guy she'd been dancing with at some club the night before as Emma provided a running commentary of the evening, and thankfully seemed to have gotten over whatever had happened at Whicker's plant a couple of days previously. Although Adam had been on hand to provide support during the supposedly simple in-and-out job, he hadn't been listening in the whole time and, though neither of them had mentioned a problem during their reports, he didn't have to be a psionic to tell that there had been some unresolved friction between them.   
  
He hoped it was nothing more than a fraternal squabble, though, rather than being indicative of some deeper problem. The after-effects of their last major operation in Kovakhstan had taken their toll on all of them, but Brennan and Jesse had seemed to bear the brunt – if for widely differing reasons.   
  
For Brennan, it had brought back memories of a time when he'd had a real family to call his own, before fate – and the air force - had taken his father away from him. Although he'd successfully ensured that another child wouldn't go through the same anguish he had by going against orders to rescue the captive pilot, Captain Morrison, it had still taken him time to deal with the emotions the whole incident had brought bubbling to the surface.  
  
Jesse, on the other hand, had returned mentally and physically exhausted - hardly surprising, Adam thought, when he considered what he'd had to do to help get them home. That he'd actually been successful in phasing not only something the size of the Double Helix but also her passengers - way more than he'd ever attempted before - showed that his new powers, like those of the other team members, had still untapped depths. But it had taken several days before he'd been able to drag himself out of bed for more than a few hours at a time and he'd shown scant interest in anything other than eating when he had been awake, which made Adam worry that he'd over-stretched himself too far.   
  
In the end, though, it wasn't Jesse's physical condition that had caused most concern - he'd been back to his usual bouncy self in that respect before the week was out - but the slightly detached way he seemed to react to any comments or queries about what had happened out there in the forest, or later on in the plane. It was almost as if he couldn't fully remember the details and therefore wasn't sure how to answer. But the full battery of tests Adam had got him to grudgingly submit to had come up normal, so he'd had to make do with promising himself to keep a close eye on his condition over the coming days – just in case.  
  
And though there hadn't been any overt signs of anything further amiss, he knew it never paid to get complacent so, with that thought in mind, he headed on down the stairs to join his team.  
  
"Hey, Adam." Shalimar acknowledged his appearance with a lazy smile. "Tell these guys to lay off before I give them an up close and personal demonstration of what pussycats can *really* do."  
  
"Oh, I'm *so* scared!" Brennan shrank back in his chair in mock terror, raising a giggle from Emma and a smirk from Jesse. The butt of his humour just pouted and treated him to the kind of glare that had turned grown men into quivering heaps on the floor, but which this time just seemed to increase the level of hilarity being experienced by her audience. Even Adam found it hard to keep a straight face, allowing himself to share in the warmth and companionship of the moment. But it seemed oddly short-lived, as one by one four pairs of eyes swivelled to focus on him.  
  
"So... do we have another job?" The question came, perhaps a little surprisingly, from a smiling Emma, confirmation of her growing confidence in her own position in the group, though he knew if she chose to she could have taken the answer to her question from his mind without the need to ask it. He glanced around at the other faces watching him, seeing the expected taut anticipation of action-to-come bringing Shalimar to the edge of her seat, Brennan's enthusiasm for anything other than sitting around doing nothing reflected in his eager dark features, and Jesse...   
  
...and from Jesse, nothing. He wasn't even looking at him anymore, expression vacant and empty gaze fixed on a point somewhere a few feet above floor in front of him. But before Adam had a chance to say or do anything, his eyes blinked back into focus again, a frown creasing his forehead as he glanced furtively around him. He seemed to relax, though, when he saw the others still looking expectantly in Adam's direction, and quickly covered his apparent confusion with a quizzical half-grin as he did the same.  
  
Realising they were waiting for an answer Adam smiled, making sure he encompassed them all as he responded. "No, not right now. Just the usual monitoring, and the computers can take care of that for now. In any case, it sounded like things were just getting interesting and I'd hate to interrupt."  
  
"Oh, I think we were just about finished here, don't you, Jess?" Brennan lounged back against the cushions, folding his arms behind his head. "Kinda made our point?"  
  
Shalimar snorted. "In your dreams, big guy! And much as I'd love to stay and teach you the error of your ways, Jess and I have a date with the security systems at Safehouse 1." She came smoothly to her feet and looked down at the youngest of her male companions. "You ready?"  
  
For a split second Jesse stared back at her in seemingly total incomprehension, but it was quickly concealed behind a lop-sided smile as he stood and moved past her. "Uh... yeah. Right. I'll... uh... just go get my gear."  
  
Shalimar laid a hand on his arm, halting his progress. "You OK?" she asked with genuine concern.  
  
His smile broadened as he rested his own hand on hers, briefly. "I'm good... Just a bit of a headache. It'll pass. Meet you at the car in five."   
  
She nodded to his departing back before turning to the others again. "Does he seem all right to you?"  
  
"Oh, he's probably just pissed 'cos he's gonna miss the big game this afternoon," Brennan offered casually. "He was talking about it this morning – guess he forgot he wouldn't be here."  
  
"Yeah... I guess..." Shalimar looked dubiously at Adam for reassurance but he was staring thoughtfully after Jesse, absently stroking at his chin. Another glance at Brennan just produced a shrug and, "He's a big boy – stop trying to mother him."   
  
Biting back a caustic retort as the potential truth of his words dawned on her, she looked to Emma for support but found only an expression as thoughtful as Adam's, one which cleared in a flash to be replaced by a gentle smile. "Don't worry, Shal. I'm sure he'll be fine."  
  
Hoping that her words were based on what she was sensing from him, rather than just wishful thinking, Shalimar nodded and headed for the garage.  
  
  
**  
  
The dim lighting in the big lab relegated large areas of the room to the deepest of shadow, and Adam was completely unaware he was anything other than alone when he came in late that evening to check on some experiments he was running. Immediately engrossed in what he was working on, it took some minutes before the soft tap-tap of another keyboard percolated his concentration and he looked round with a start, surprised to see Emma sitting at a workstation in the corner. He could have sworn there'd been nobody there before, and he hadn't heard her arrive – but then again, he knew he could sometimes be too focused when it came to his work, so she could well have said something to him and he just didn't hear her. But as she was here...  
  
"Hi," he said, walking over to join her. "You're working late. Anything I can help with?" As he approached, though, her hand reached out to hit a key, clearing the screen of whatever had been there, and he wondered what it was she didn't want him to see.  
  
"No," she replied, swivelling her chair to face him. "I just wanted to check something out. Nothing important. And you're a fine one to talk about working late – you're always doing it! You shouldn't push yourself so hard, it's not good for you. It's not like you have to do everything yourself, you know..." He had to smile at her chiding tone, briefly reversing their roles and making him feel like the child to her parent  
  
"Yes, Mom," he said with a grin, seeing her flush slightly as she realized what she'd been doing. But her telempathic abilities often gave her a better insight into how people were feeling than they were aware of themselves, and although he trusted that she would never go so far as to actually enter his mind uninvited and 'read' him, he had to wonder if she'd perhaps sensed something from him that would bear watching out for. "It's OK," he assured her, "you're probably right. But that's even more reason for you not to follow my example."  
  
She smiled archly back, looking up at him from under her bangs. "I'll stop if you'll stop." She hit a couple more keys and switched off the power to the monitor, before rising to her feet. "I was about done anyway. Anything I can help you with?" She gestured to where Adam had been working, but he shook his head.  
  
"No... well, not with that. But I did want to ask you something."  
  
"Shoot."  
  
"It's about Jesse. Since you guys got back from Kovakhstan, he's seemed a little... distant, distracted. Nothing I can say for certain is wrong, just... Well, you spent most time with him while you were out there. I just wondered if something happened, something that maybe didn't seem important at the time. Or if he said or did anything that looking back might now appear strange."  
  
While he was speaking he stepped away to his workstation to punch in another command, and by the time he turned back Emma was looking at him attentively, arms crossed loosely in front of her, the picture of relaxed composure as she gave obviously serious consideration to his words. There was no indication of the sudden tension that had held her rigid when he'd mentioned Jesse's name, the wash of disquiet that flooded her features before she got herself under control again.  
  
"You know... I've noticed Jess hasn't quite been himself," she responded, carefully. "But I kind of put it down to, maybe, reaction to phasing the Helix, especially with all of us in it. We... well, we kind of had to force him into it, make him give it a shot when he didn't think he could do it." She paused, her face taking on a sudden look of wonder. "You know, that was pretty amazing, being phased like that? It's weird enough walking through walls when they're phased, but to actually be intangible yourself? I didn't know Jesse could do that..."  
  
"Neither did he," Adam reminded her. "Could be that's why he was nervous about trying – he could have only managed to phase the plane, which would have left you all to just fall straight through the floor. And it was a long way down."   
  
She blinked at that, some indefinable expression surfacing briefly in her eyes before it was pushed aside by clear concern. "God, I never thought about that. I just... we..."  
  
"Yes, I know. You were on the verge of being blown out of the sky and you saw a way to prevent it. And Jesse came through, which in the long run has to make him stronger. And that's why I think there has to be another reason for whatever is bothering him." He looked at her earnestly, catching her gaze with his. "So, do you remember anything from the mission that will help us work out what that is? Or have you sensed anything from him since you've been back, anything out of the ordinary?"  
  
She sighed and looked away, rubbing her hands up and down her upper arms as if to warm chilled flesh. "Believe me, Adam, if there was anything I could tell you about the mission that I thought would help Jesse, I would. And nothing I'm getting from him now says he's anything more than a bit tired. Oh, and working on getting a grip on all the new stuff that's been happening to him." She lifted her eyes to stare directly into his as she finished. "Just like the rest of us."  
  
He had the odd feeling that there was something more behind her words than was immediately apparent, but knew the moment wasn't right to pursue it. "Well, if you do think of anything, let me know, OK? And do me a favour – keep an eye on Jesse?"  
  
"Count on it," she said, resting a hand on his shoulder as she slid past him and headed for the door, pausing only to toss back over her shoulder, "Don't stay up too late," accompanied by a mischievous grin as she left the room.  
  
And despite everything Adam found himself smiling as well as he turned back to finish up his work.  
  
**** 


	3. Part 3

Part 3  
  
"Whatcha doing?" The soft words slid, as if from another world, into the void Jesse currently inhabited, luring him back to reality. Blinking furiously, he looked round to find Shalimar's worried brown eyes fixed intently on him. For a long moment he wasn't certain where he was - or even who he was for that matter, so far removed from the now had he been. But with an effort he focused on the concerned warmth he could feel emanating from the passionate feral and used it to thaw the frozen wastes of his mind. That worrying his friends – particularly this friend – was to be avoided was too deeply embedded in his psyche for even the changing perspectives of the past months to erase, so almost without conscious intent he conjured up a reassuring smile.  
  
"Oh, nothing much. Just..." He glanced around, searching for a plausible excuse, and realized with a start that he was actually sitting on the edge of the Double Helix's boarding ramp with no clear recollection of how he'd gotten there. "Uh...thinking about some modifications to the onboard systems I'm working on," he finished, crossing mental fingers that she wouldn't ask for details.  
  
Shalimar brushed fingers back through her tangle of hair, with just a hint of the exasperation she was feeling but knew intuitively she shouldn't show. This wasn't the first time since they'd returned safely from that potentially disastrous mission to retrieve the Phased Vibrational Generator and missing pilot that she'd come across Jesse like this, sitting or standing somewhere with a blank expression. But, as now, he'd always managed to come up with an acceptable reason for being wherever it was. She couldn't help being troubled, though, by the warning scream of her instincts when she'd first spotted him slumped beside the plane's open hatch, despite his pretence at normality. When she added in his recent oddly forgetful behaviour - missed appointments and strange lapses in concentration - she just knew there was something wrong. But she also knew getting him to say what wouldn't be easy.  
  
Leaning her head to one side, she folded her arms and stared at him, taking in the shadows under the alarmingly distant blue eyes, the too long dark blonde hair straggling over forehead and neck, the recently perpetual-seeming stubble that ghosted over and around his set jaw line and the lips curved into a not quite convincing smile. And this from the clean cut, sweet tempered, achingly honest young man she'd come to think of as the brother she'd never had, the one she felt as protective of as a she-wolf of her cub despite the relatively small age gap between them.  
  
Jesse shifted uncomfortably under her scrutiny, the once unaccustomed but now increasingly regular feelings of anger and frustration welling up inside him. Along with, although he didn't want to admit it, just a little fear.   
  
In the past few days he'd begun to feel progressively more uncomfortable in the presence of those he knew he should trust most. Almost worse, these surroundings, the only home he'd really known since his world was turned upside down as a child by the full emergence of his 'abilities', the one place he'd come to feel truly safe and in control, were becoming more and more unfamiliar. So much so that he'd started to find himself turning a corner without knowing for sure what he'd find round it, or heading for the dojo and ending up in the kitchen instead. And then there were these blackouts when, like now, he'd find himself somewhere totally unexpected, usually with one or more of the others talking at him... 'But why won't they all just leave me alone!!' echoed through his head tetchily, and he blinked again, wondering where that had come from.  
  
He thought he should probably tell someone – tell Adam, of course. After all, he understood the intricacies of all of their conditions – God, that made it sound like an illness, didn't it? – better than anyone. But somewhere inside him a little voice was telling him that he was grown-up enough to handle his own problems, that he didn't need anyone to do it for him. Especially not Adam. And, at least for the moment, the voice was winning.  
  
He fought back the urge to push Shalimar away, swallowing down the tumbling words of rejection and denial that he knew would just provoke her in ways he wasn't sure he could deal with right now. But the building pressure of the thumping headache that always seemed to follow one of these zone-outs was gnawing away at his self-control and he was only partially successful, snapping out, "What?" in response to her unspoken query. "Don't you believe me? You want to come see them?"  
  
The brown eyes narrowed slightly at his tone, a half-imagined glint of gold illuminating their depths, and he felt a twinge of apprehension that he thought he knew was wrong. Shalimar would never hurt him... would she?  
  
The flash of fear briefly overcoming the guarded expression that had been masking his emotions was like a slap in the face to the feral. Jesse had never been good at hiding his feelings, especially from her, but she'd never seen him look at her like that before. The slightly naïve outlook on life that was largely a result of his sheltered upbringing here with her and Adam usually made him see the best in everyone, which tended to leave him vulnerable to disappointment when they revealed their inevitable feet of clay. But his acceptance of her – both the good and the bad - had always been complete, as it had become with Emma and Brennan despite a slightly bumpy start, and she couldn't stand the thought that she might in some unexplained way be losing that.  
  
"Jesse, what's wrong? Talk to me." She took a step forward, hand outstretched, intending to sit beside him, hug him, tell him everything would be all right if he'd just let her help, but her movement only sent him surging to his feet. He turned to face her, keeping his back to the Helix's smooth side and a few feet between them, eyes sliding almost longingly towards the hanger bay door as he wiped a hand down over his lower face in the tell-tale gesture she'd recently come to understand meant he was under extreme stress.  
  
"Nothing," he said firmly. "There's nothing wrong. Nothing to talk about. I'm OK. I'm just tired... just..." He tried to meet her gaze, overwhelmed for a second by the need to tell her, to reach for her and let her hold him as she'd done when he was a confused and scared kid. But she wasn't the comforting presence he remembered, not now, and the fear he'd been struggling to contain swept through him and sent him hurrying from the room with a mumbled apology, leaving a shocked Shalimar staring open-mouthed after him.  
  
  
**  
  
Time was, Adam thought ruefully as he watched the door slam shut behind yet another of his team, when he could spend an afternoon working peacefully in his office without being disturbed. Nowadays, though, if it wasn't Brennan complaining about the lack of opportunities to stretch his metaphoric legs, it was Emma checking to see if there was anything she could do to help. Or, as had happened a little earlier, Shalimar, come to bend his ear about whatever was worrying her most at that moment - which right now was Jesse.  
   
"You have to *do* something... talk to him, find out what's wrong..." she'd demanded, resting her hands on his desk and leaning towards him to ensure she had his full attention.  
   
But her evidence for anything life-threateningly amiss had been flimsy, and even she had sounded apologetic when she finished listing unexplained absences, forgotten facts, and distant demeanour by blurting out plaintively, "And he won't let me touch him! He... he was *frightened* of me!"  
   
Though Adam had acknowledged how unsettling that would have been for her, he'd also pointed out that Jesse's developing powers seemed to be taking him longer to get fully to grips with than the others, which would have to be frustrating him, and that his pre-occupation with resolving the unanswered questions he had in his mind about just how far he could really push himself could account for a lot of his strange recent behaviour. But he'd found himself wondering who he was trying to convince most, himself or her.  
  
He'd shaken his head at Shalimar's automatic protests that they all had faith in Jesse, in his abilities, that he should confide in them if he had doubts and let them help, responding with, "You've felt what it's like to be phased now, Shalimar.  Just think how much control it must take to keep yourself in that state without dissipating completely, then think how frightening it must feel to have to release that control enough to extend the molecular shift to something external.  Every time Jesse tries phasing some new element, or something bigger than he's tried before, he has no idea how much he's going to have to let go - or how hard it's going to be to get back.  And that's denting his confidence, holding him back from seeing how far he can really go. It's a big hurdle for him to get over, and not one I think anyone can really help him with."  
  
But tenacious as ever, Shalimar had refused to let the matter lie until Adam had finally agreed to talk to Jesse,  try and persuade him to let him check him out, the 'but' that was to follow dying on his lips when he'd seen the look of hope and belief she turned on him.   
  
"Promise?"  
  
A sigh. "I promise." But even as she'd reached up to plant a kiss of thanks on his cheek, he'd known it would easier said than done... as it had proved.   
   
Predictably, when Adam had tried to raise the matter with Jesse just now, he'd gotten the expected smiling reassurances that everything was fine that quickly morphed through stubborn resistance to barely disguised hostility as he'd persisted with his questioning.   
   
"You know, I bet if I were Shalimar or Brennan, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd trust them to know what they were doing," had been his parting shot as he'd stormed from the room, leaving Adam to ponder on what lay behind that particular outburst. So far though, as he'd tried to convince Shalimar, there was nothing to indicate that there was anything physiologically wrong with Jesse, whatever turmoil his emotions might be in. Short of knocking him out and forcibly subjecting him to tests, Adam didn't know how else to find out for certain – and that would be a betrayal of trust that might drive the young molecular so far away from them that they'd lose him for good, particularly in his current mood.  
  
But at least that would be Jesse's choice, one that they might have a chance of talking him down from. Adam just wasn't sure if it was worth risking right now on the basis of a few out-of-character moments, though he was painfully aware that if he was wrong the alternative might be far worse.  
  
  
**** 


	4. Part 4

Part 4  
  
Was this what it felt like to go mad? Jesse wondered as he lay on his bed, staring morosely at the ceiling.   
  
The past few days had developed into a nightmarish journey from one unexpected situation to another, all the time never knowing where the next obstacle might be waiting to trip him up. He'd be going along just fine when POW!, he'd lose another piece of the puzzle, and the strain of continually trying to convince his friends – and himself – that all was well had worn him down to the point where he tried to avoid spending any more time with them than was absolutely necessary. When he couldn't find a reasonable excuse not to, he just remained silent for fear of saying or doing something stupid, but too many times they'd called him on not showing up for something or for being in the right place but at the wrong time, though he could have sworn no one had told him what he knew to be true had changed. And every day the periods of respite between the all encompassing headaches were getting shorter and shorter, and his feelings of alienation from everyone and everything around him were growing more intense.  
  
If he'd been a stronger person, he thought, he would have been long gone, out of here before the madness could really take hold. But he didn't honestly know where else he could go, and besides, his instincts told him that the work they were doing here was good and important, and that despite everything he had a role to play in it. If he could just keep it together...  
  
"Jesse, get down here. We need you." Adam's voice suddenly floated out of the ether at him, jolting him upright to look wildly around the room before he realised it was just the com system. Damn, how could he forget that?   
  
Reluctantly he climbed to his feet, acknowledging with a curt, "On my way," as he headed for the control centre and praying that whatever was wrong with him wouldn't get in the way of him getting the job done this time.  
  
Adam and Emma were huddled in front of one of the monitors when he hurried in, but a glance round the room told him that there was no sign of Shalimar or Brennan. Had they gone off on an assignment and he hadn't been told? Or was it just one more failure he had to chalk up to this... whatever it was? His heart started beating just a bit faster at that unwelcome prospect, but he forced himself to focus on Adam as he looked up.  
  
"Ah, Jesse, good. Shalimar and Brennan have tracked down those car thieves. Looks like they've dumped Dr. Stephens' Lexus in the multi-storey parking lot on Freeman and I need you to hack into the CCTV there, maybe some other systems too, see if you can spot them before they can get away. I don't need to tell you the damage they could do to the New Mutant cause if they work out what's in that briefcase and decide to use it."  
  
Ducking the appraising look Emma threw his way as Adam turned back to his monitor, Jesse hid the confusion the older man's words created in him behind a business-like nod. But he had to work hard to prevent the surreal feeling that he'd somehow gone 'through the looking glass' into a world where everybody knew what was going on but him from taking hold as he slid in front of the nearest workstation and punched in some commands.  
  
Thankfully the CCTV circuits weren't considered worthy of high security so he was into the system in seconds, setting up a sub-routine to rotate through the cameras on each floor and patching the pictures onto the main screen so they could all see them.  
  
"OK, level 6 looks clear... and 5," he reported after a moment's careful checking. "Level 4, too... no, wait a second..." He frowned and used the computer controls to highlight an area of the image they were looking at. "What's that?"  
  
"Can you clean it up?"  
  
"Already on it," he replied crisply, manipulating the selected pixels until they could all clearly see the two men hovering in a far corner between a silver Lexus and a nondescript dark sedan. And it was evident they were arguing over the contents of something they had open on the hood of the luxury car.  
  
"Bingo!" he said in satisfaction. "It's Level 4, north-east corner."  
  
"Thanks, bro," Brennan's voice responded. "We're rolling."  
  
Jesse split the screen and used one half to track their progress up from the ground floor in the Mustang, while keeping the two men in view on the other. But just as the Mutant X team emerged onto the fourth floor their targets disappeared into the sedan, and seconds later it rocketed out of the parking space on smoking tires.  
  
"They're on the move," Emma called, raising a curse from Shalimar and, "That way – cut them off at the down ramp!" obviously directed at Brennan.  
  
More squeals of rubber under extreme punishment echoed round the room, matching the crazy antics of the two cars on the now united screen ahead as they duelled for position in the cramped space. Round and round they went, each attempt at block and counter block being averted at the last moment. But when it seemed that the Mustang might finally have gained the upper hand, it somehow ended up facing the wrong way with a metal barrier between it and its quarry, and the sedan disappeared from view to be eventually picked up by a camera on a level below.   
  
"Jesse, the exit! We've got to stop them getting out!"  
  
"I know!" he snapped back, resentment flooding through him so hard it almost physically hurt. Did they think he didn't know what needed doing? That he hadn't done it un-prompted many times before. But he concentrated on his monitor, intending to search for the right codes to unlock the security systems and close the shutters over the street exits.  
  
"Jesse!" Shalimar's voice this time. "They're getting away!"  
  
He automatically glanced up at the main screen, then forced himself back to his own work, growling out, "I can see that! Just let me..." A flash, then... 'Let me... what? Dammit, no, not now...!' He stared in dismay at the console in front of him, trying to recall whatever it was that a split second ago he'd known only too clearly how to do. It was something simple, he was sure of that, some routine he'd used on innumerable occasions in the past, but he could make no sense of the suddenly incomprehensible symbols and his fingers hovered ineffectually over keys he didn't dare hit for fear of what damage it might do.  
  
"Too late – they're outta here...!" Brennan's ensuing stream of colourful invective decorated the airwaves, every word stabbing knifelike into Jesse's chest, taking his breath away and sending reciprocal shafts of pain up into his brain. Shalimar's face sprang into life on the screen in front of him, her "Jesse? What's going on?" coinciding with Emma's softer query from just behind him, and he wiped at the sweat breaking out on forehead and face as he struggled to pull his fragmenting thoughts together.  
  
Horrified by his inability to remember even that which he somehow knew should have been second nature to him, Jesse turned desperate eyes towards his friends, his mentor, looking for some kind of answer, something that would help him understand what was happening to him. But all he saw was confusion and question, and he knew he'd find no help there. With a stifled groan as the agony started to swell in his head again, he pushed himself away from the console and lurched to his feet before turning and fleeing, instinctively seeking some place dark and quiet where he could escape to. This was Sanctuary, after all – though he couldn't help but let loose a hiccup of bitter laughter at the misnomer his home had suddenly become. Because for him there seemed to be nowhere to hide.   
  
His faltering steps finally took him to his room, sliding the door closed and locking it behind him to block out the too bright lights then reeling forward as his brain over-compensated by blasting the inside of his skull with incandescent illumination. He sank to the floor, head in hands, trying not to cry out loud at the flashing burning pain that seared the back of his eyeballs and assailed his senses.  
  
Sounds he slowly came to understand as words echoed in his ears, forcing the lights away a little.  
  
"Jesse? Jess? Are you OK?"  
  
A familiar probing tendril he recognised instantly as Emma pushed into his mind but, instead of the soothing presence he kind of knew it should be, it quickly became intolerable, driving him to yell, "Get out of my head, Emma!"  
  
The assault lessened slightly, but after a brief shocked moment she was back, questioning, wanting reassurances he couldn't give. In desperation he pulled himself upright and staggered towards his bed, flinging himself full length and pulling the pillows around his ears in a futile attempt to block her and everything else out. Finally, defiantly, needing to do something to help him regain control, he screamed out, "Leave me alone!! Just leave me alone!! Haven't you done enough?" without really knowing where the words came from.  
  
With a snap so violent it made his whole body vibrate he felt her withdraw, and the recoil sent him spinning gratefully down into the welcoming darkness.  
  
  
**** 


	5. Part 5

Part 5  
  
The sounds of a distant door slamming open and running feet on the wood flooring would have given Emma plenty of warning of Brennan and Shalimar's return to Sanctuary, had she needed it. But the feral had been emoting on such a high level that she'd known exactly where she was every inch of the journey back from the car park. With an inward sigh she looked round, checking her mental shields were firmly in place as she braced herself against the full onslaught of the approaching woman's alarm and concern.   
  
"Where is he? How is he? What happened? What...?" The words gushed out in a flood as Shalimar skidded to a halt beside her at the window to the med-section, dark eyes drilling fiercely into hers before following her nodding gesture towards the scene within. In an instant Emma knew she'd been completely forgotten as the blonde shifted to rest her hands on the glass, practically pressing her nose up against it as she took in the image of Jesse lying pale and unmoving on the bio-bed while Adam moved purposefully about, checking leads and readouts from the equipment surrounding him.  
  
Almost unnoticed, Brennan dropped a briefcase onto the table and came up behind them, frowning when he caught sight over their heads of what was holding their interest. "What's going on, Emma?" he asked quietly, catching hold of her arm and trying to turn her away so he could get her attention. "What's the matter with him?" But Shalimar's low growl, part anger, part anguish, as she broke the spell holding her and pushed her way into the room distracted him enough for Emma to pull free and step back.  
  
"I don't know," she responded, rubbing absently at her arm. She glanced at him sideways, an enigmatic look that in other circumstances he might have queried, but which right now he was too pre-occupied with everything that was going on to really register. "He just kind of... freaked! He was working on getting the exits closed, then the next thing we know he's up and running like all the demons in hell are after him. We followed him to his room, but he'd locked the door. I tried to reach him, tried to help him, but he was in such pain... such..." She broke off, shuddering at the memory and Brennan reached to wrap a long arm round her shoulders and pull her into a brotherly hug.  
  
"It's OK," he murmured. "You did your best. He'll pull through it, whatever it is – he's too damn stubborn not to."  
  
Head pressed against his broad chest, drawing strength from his simple honest faith, Emma found herself hoping fervently that he was right. Because if he wasn't, and if the fear that was beginning to take root in her heart turned out to be anything more than a self-induced fantasy, she knew she'd never be able to forgive herself.   
  
  
**  
  
"He looks so young, doesn't he?" Shalimar's quiet words told Adam that she was aware of his presence as he stood silently in the doorway, watching her standing by the bed with one warm hand resting on Jesse's cold one, the other gently brushing back unruly strands of hair from his forehead. "It's just like when he was a kid and misjudged that wall he was trying to phase through - remember?"  She laughed softly.  "You tried to warn him, but oh no, he wasn't gonna be told by anyone.  Ended up knocking himself out cold falling down the stairs on the other side when he had to re-form in a hurry."  
   
Adam smiled, walking over to join her.  "He certainly took his share of knocks learning to handle his powers.  Just like you.  But you both survived and came out the other side stronger.  That will help him now."  
   
"But you don't even know what's wrong with him!" she protested, voice rising in volume and intensity as she turned to face him.  "Or why he's still unconscious.  It's been hours now!"  
   
"That's what I came to tell you.  I've..."  
   
It could have been the noise, or maybe the strength of her emotions finally broke through the cocoon separating Jesse from reality, but before Adam could finish there came a murmur of sound from the direction of the bed that had them both whipping round to stare hopefully at his recumbent figure.  
  
A flicker of movement under shadowed eyelids came as prologue to his first real attempt at regaining consciousness, but the two of them could only wait and watch as he fought against whatever forces were trying to drag him back down into the darkness again.  Finally, though, the pale blue eyes fluttered reluctantly open, blinking even in the dim lights, and Shalimar leant forward to smile encouragingly at him.  
   
"Hey, welcome back," she said, grasping his arm gently.  "You had us worried there."  
   
But instead of the answering grin and the smartass response she was half expecting, she saw his gaze shoot away from hers to dart anxiously round the room, his body tensing as if ready to take flight.  She looked up at Adam, not knowing what to do, and he stepped closer, waiting until Jesse focused on his movement and then him.  
   
"How are you feeling, Jesse?" he asked carefully, reaching to adjust one of the sensors monitoring his vital signs.  But a firm hand clamped down on his and he looked down in surprise to find Jesse staring up at him with a mixture of confusion and, more alarmingly, distrust.  
   
"What are you doing to me?"  The words were little more than a whisper, but they made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up.  
   
"Just trying to find out what's wrong with you," he said soothingly, "what made you pass out like that."  Jesse's forehead crinkled into a frown, as if he was having difficulty understanding the words.  Adam could feel Shalimar bursting to leap in with reassurance and explanation, but he gestured her to stay quiet, trying to quell his own feelings of apprehension as he continued.  "We're just trying to help you, Jesse.  You know that, don't you?"  
   
There was a moment's silence as the world seemed to hold its breath, then...  
   
"But... why should I believe you when I don't know who you are!!"  
   
Jesse heard the sharp intake of breath from the blonde woman standing next to him, felt her nails dig sharply into his arm before she realized what she was doing and let him go.  If he hadn't been so wrapped up in fighting the panic that was threatening to overwhelm him, he'd probably have pursued the soul-warming emotions he'd felt emanating from her touch in the seconds before she did. But instinct was telling him he needed to get out of here - wherever here was, this familiar-unfamiliar place he didn't remember ever having been before - and away from these people he didn't recognise but who seemed to know him, whatever their intentions.  
   
The dark haired man was speaking to him again, he realized, and he dragged part of his attention back his way while the rest continued to seek a way out.  
   
"You don't remember us?" the calm voice asked.  He shook his head, wincing at the soon-past flash of pain it engendered.  'Liar,' something tried to tell him but he ignored it, squashing it ruthlessly back into the hole it had come from.  
   
"Do you know who you are?"  
   
The $64,000 question.  He dug down inside himself, emerging triumphant with the prize, the nugget of self-awareness still burning bright in that secret place where the madness couldn't reach it.  "Yes!  Of course I do," said with more confidence than he was really feeling.  For while he knew his name, his age, where he came from, he could feel that there was so much more missing.  There had to be, didn't there?  This couldn't be all there was...  
   
"Do you know *what* you are?  
   
The final question, asked even more softly than the others, evoked a reaction in him he couldn't explain, a great ball of dread forming in his chest, forcing his lungs to contract until he was struggling for breath, the sweat of fear breaking out on his body.  He pushed himself up on his elbows, with every intention of using the movement as a springboard to bring him to his feet, but another flash of excruciating though again thankfully fleeting agony sent the room spinning dizzily round.  His stomach roiled queasily, and he squeezed his eyes shut, lowering his head back to the pillow as what little strength he'd had seemed to drain from his muscles.  Dimly he heard a soothing and oddly reassuring voice telling him to rest, that everything would be OK though he knew somehow that it would be anything but...  
   
Adam ushered the clearly dismayed Shalimar from the room, firmly overcoming her protests that she needed to stay with Jesse, keep an eye on him, by calling out to Emma to come and sit with him.  
   
"What's happened to him, Adam?"  The feral rounded on him as soon as they reached the lab. "Why doesn't he know us?" Without waiting for an answer she turned away again to prowl across the room and back, unable to keep still when one of her own was in peril.  
  
"I don't know why – well, not exactly. But I was coming to tell you, I have found something." Adam had moved over to one of the computer terminals, and was hitting keys as he spoke. "I've been comparing Jesse's recent brain scans with the ones I took right after you got back from Kovakhstan," he continued, punching up a side-by-side view of them.   
   
Shalimar's restless pacing ceased and she moved to stand beside him, frowning as she tried to make sense of what she was seeing. "Well, they're different, that's for sure," she ventured after a few moments.  
   
Adam nodded with a grim smile. "They are that. It looks like something has been progressively disrupting his memory centres, kind of slowly eating away at them."  
   
She looked up at him, shock-filled eyes seeking his. "But what? What's doing it? Can't you stop it?"  
   
"I don't know." She didn't even bother asking for clarification as to which question that answered, only too aware that it was probably all three. But the older man turned to face her, expression serious. "Shalimar, could anything have happened while you were out there, maybe while Jesse and Emma were working on the Helix? Something that neither of them have mentioned?"  
  
Her eyes narrowed as she tried to work out where he was going with this. "It's possible – I was off looking for the PVG with Brennan, and then getting his ass out of trouble. The two of them were alone back there most of the time." She paused, realising with a start what he might be suggesting. "You're not thinking that Emma..." she began with growing horror.  
  
But she was interrupted by the door to the lab slamming open to admit a clearly outraged Brennan, one hand rubbing at a jaw already reddening with latent bruising.  
   
"I don't know what the hell's going on, but Jess just slugged me and took off in the Beamer!"  
  
  
**** 


	6. Part 6

Part 6  
  
The fear-fuelled burst of energy that had enabled Jesse to overcome the physical limitations binding him to the bed, and sustained him through his encounter with the really big dark guy who'd tried to prevent him taking the car he'd known he'd find in the garage he had no memory of ever being in before, ran out right about the same time as the BMW's gas.   
  
During his wild flight from the place that had filled him with such apprehension, he'd paid little attention to where he was going or why. He'd revelled in the speed, the freedom, without giving any thought as to what was driving him – everything had been lost in the all-embracing, undeniable need to get far, far away.  
  
But when the car finally chugged and spluttered to a terminally silent halt, reality kicked in enough to raise his level of focus from what lay immediately in front of the windscreen to the rest of his surroundings. And the results weren't too encouraging. It seemed that, without any clear intention, he'd driven into as close to the middle of nowhere as made no difference. There was nothing to give him any clue even as to which state he was in, let alone a village or town to latch onto.   
  
He levered himself out of the car, sliding up through the open window in preference to going through the mundane normality of actually using the door, and then perching himself on it to get a better view over the roof.   
  
The vista laid out before him, now he'd allowed himself to notice it, was spectacular. Tree-lined hillsides rose up to an ominously grey sky filled with dark and threatening clouds, and fell away into shadowed valleys as far as the eye could see, masking any signs of the humanity that might be sharing their space. And all of it offering a multitude of opportunities for him to escape from... from what? He mentally paused there, for while that imperative was certainly what had been motivating him up to this point, when he thought about it he couldn't actually say what he wanted to escape from or why. 'Everything' and 'just because' hardly seemed good enough excuses.  
  
He forced his mind back to his awakening in that room full of highly complex-looking equipment that he'd found bizarrely simplistic, with the two strangers who knew his name – knew him well if the looks on their faces were to be believed. When he gave himself permission to think about it, he could still feel the concern and compassion they'd radiated, though he couldn't imagine why they might care that much about him. He was quite sure he didn't know them... wasn't he? He'd certainly remember if he'd seen the blonde before; with her tight clothes, athletic body and wild hair, she was pretty hot. And the older guy... nothing about him was anything less than completely unknown. But they'd both seemed too genuinely alarmed by his reaction to them for him to ignore it.   
  
Even the man mountain trying to block his way out had seemed to expect something more friendly from him than the lucky punch he'd landed as he'd barrelled his way past him. So, what was it they'd been trying to pull on him back there? And were they all in it together?   
  
Another image slid into his mind, another presence he could now remember sensing as he'd slipped from the room, someone else in the shadows who spoke to him without words, someone who... and the nameless dread sent its icy fingers digging into his chest and wrapping around his heart, threatening to squeeze the life out of him and leaving him panting and sweating as he fought for control again. With a moan of anguish, he dropped his head onto folded arms on the car roof, closing his eyes and giving in to the waves of pain and chaos sweeping through in his mind.  
  
  
**  
  
"I can't believe Emma could have done something like this to him and not said anything!" The incredulity that had been bubbling away inside Shalimar since her interrupted conversation with Adam finally burst from her as she moved restlessly round the control centre.  
  
"Hey, hold on a moment. We don't know that she did!" Brennan protested, from his seat in front of the monitor. "Isn't that what Adam's trying to find out? What happened to innocent until proved guilty?"  
  
"But what else could it be?" she demanded.  
  
"Oh, well now, let me think... er, a new mutant virus? Or another plot by Genomex to get back at us? Or a rogue psionic in need of a good kick in the pants, or..." He rolled his eyes in her direction, ticking them off on his fingers until she held up a hand to stop him.  
  
"OK, OK, I get the picture. I'll wait until I hear it from her before I pass judgement." She perched herself on the table beside him, folding her legs under her and resting her chin on the support of one hand. But the silence stretched to barely a minute before she broke it again. " But I still don't understand - what's he doing out there? Why did he have to run like that? Why couldn't he trust us to help him?"   
  
"Believe me, Shal, if I had any idea why you'd be the first to know!" Brennan's irritation at the feral's constant return to the same questions, like a dog worrying a bone, was growing exponentially as time went by. With her tendency to burn hot but fast, it wasn't really like her to stay so wound up about something this long, and he said so, earning himself a withering look.   
  
"This is Jesse we're talking about," she reminded him fiercely. "Aren't you worried about him too?"   
  
"Well, yes... of course! But second-guessing what's going on in his head right about now doesn't seem the best way to help him."  
  
"But we should be doing *something*, not just sitting here! I don't see why we can't just go get him – at least then we'd know he was safe! Anything could happen to him, wandering around out there by himself..."  
  
Damn! There she went with the prowling thing again... "Listen, you heard what Adam said – something's screwing with his head, and this place – including us - had him totally freaked out. Until Adam can work out what's happened and how to fix it, bringing him back here to face it all again could just make everything worse. So, we keep an eye on his signal, make sure we know where he is. Then when Adam says the word, we take the Helix and we go fetch him home."  
  
"Simple as that, huh?"  
  
"Yup!" He smiled confidently and pointed to the map on the screen in front of him, the blinking signal indicator sitting reassuringly in the centre. "See? He hasn't gone too far and it doesn't look like he's moving now. And believe me, whatever's going on with his memory, he hasn't forgotten how to handle himself in a fight." Rubbing a rueful hand over his bruised jaw, he looked up at her again. "He can take care of himself, Shal."  
  
"I know... I guess." She sighed and waved a hand at the electronic equipment. "I'd just rather we were watching him in person, not like this. Maybe..." Her suddenly thoughtful look had Brennan groaning inwardly. It usually meant she was about to go off and do something reckless – and somehow he knew that, as so often happened, he'd be right out there with her.  
  
  
**** 


	7. Part 7

Part 7  
  
"Emma, we need to talk!" The words she'd been expecting for what seemed like an age echoed through the high ceilings of Sanctuary's living space, and stopped her in her tracks. Slowly she turned to face Adam as he hurried towards her, opening her senses just enough to read the wariness overlaying the deep concern he was feeling for Jesse without allowing the emotion to overpower her. A concern she was sharing, despite her continuing attempts to tell herself that what had been happening to her friend had nothing to do with her.   
  
She produced an apologetic smile - not so hard in the circumstances. "Adam, I'm sorry. I got down there as quick as I could, but he'd already gone. Brennan told me he'd just knocked him down and taken off, so I've been trying to track him..."  
  
Adam shook his head impatiently. "It's OK, we know where to find him - he still has his com-link and the tracer in the BMW is working just fine. Besides, he won't get far - the car is almost out of gas."  
  
"But..." Emma was oddly perplexed by this response. "...then why aren't you going after him? Bringing him back? He shouldn't be out there alone, should he? Not when he can't remember things, can't remember us..." She tailed off at the speculative expression on Adam's face, realising she may have said more than she intended.  
  
"How do you know he doesn't remember us?" The words were quiet but the cool intensity in the tone was obvious. "Shalimar and I only found out right before he ran, and Brennan just thought he was mad at him for some reason."  
  
"I...er..." She sighed, turning away from the dark eyes that bored into her. "I've been trying to track him, like I said. But when I tried to see into his mind, find out where he was, it was like he was a stranger, empty and... and so alone!"  
  
"And you're sure you don't have any idea, however unlikely, what might have caused this?"  
   
"No! I've already told you I don't!" But her protests seemed forced, even to her own ears.  
  
"So you did..." Adam took a deep breath. "Come with me, I want to show you something." And she had no option but to follow him back to the lab.  
  
"Look at these," he ordered, indicating the brain scans still displayed on the monitor. "See the difference between them here..." He leant forward to point out some blue coloured areas among the red and yellow. "...and here? That shows just how far Jesse's memory centres have been disrupted in the past couple of weeks. I'll spare you the technical details, but something has stimulated the memory repressing proteins in his brain to the extent that they're overwhelming those responsible for forming and sustaining long-term memory. And there are clear traces in his memory engrams of psychotronic influence. This was done by a psionic, Emma. And he hasn't been in contact with any psionics recently - except you."  
  
He turned to face her again, settling back against the table with his arms folded, his impatience held in abeyance while he waited for her to respond.  
  
She wanted to tell herself that he didn't mean what he was saying, that he really had no idea what was causing Jesse's problems, that she truly hadn't been responsible for any of this. But it was too easy for her to tell that he was deadly serious. Too easy to feel his caution as he tried to decide how far he could push her for an answer, the ever-present worry that it might already be too late, the tinge of disappointment in his growing belief that she wasn't telling him everything... and all without even having to lower her self-imposed shields.  
  
Which seemed to be more and more the norm these days, at least since her powers had taken that last giant leap into unknown territory.   
  
She turned away, letting her mind roll back again to the forests of Kovakhstan, going over all the ifs and buts that had been plaguing her the past few days. She took a deep breath, knowing that she needed to speak, wanted to speak, but before she could work out where to begin Adam's voice broke into her thoughts.  
  
"Tell me what happened, Emma. Whatever it was, whatever you had to do, we'll understand."  
  
Her head snapped round, eyes darkening from their normal greenish hazel in a way he'd never seen before. "Understand? Do you *really* think any of you could ever truly understand what it's like to have the whole world sharing their thoughts and emotions with you? To never be able to let your defences down, even with your friends, your family?" She stalked towards him, halting a few inches short and glaring up into his face. "Whatever you might think, you can *never* truly know what that's like. And without knowing, there's no way you can understand!"  
  
Adam recoiled just a little before he could stop himself, seeing the flash of what looked like sadness cross her face as she before she stepped back and looked away again. "Maybe not... but I do understand what it's like to have done something you regret, something that you wish with all your heart you could change, put right."  
  
Her eyes slid his way, the darkness gone as suddenly as it had arrived to be replaced by a flicker of hope, of trust.  
  
"Maybe you do..." she whispered.  
  
Adam let out a long slow breath. "So... are you going to tell me what happened?" he asked quietly.  
  
There was an interminable moment of silence that remained unbroken by the wordless shake of her head.  
  
"OK..." He paused again before deciding to venture on. "Then...will you help me cure him?"  
  
Her face went blank, her body language suddenly screaming sullen resistance again. "I can't."  
  
"Can't or won't?" The words were out before he could bite them back.  
  
But her gaze, when she allowed it to meet his, was full of sorrow and regret. "Like I said – you don't understand. I really can't help him. Because I don't know how!!" And with a stifled sob, she turned and ran from the room.  
  
  
**** 


	8. Part 8

Part 8  
  
A cold breeze kicked up from somewhere, riffling across the back of his neck and down his arms and sending a shiver through him that roused him from the trance-like state he'd somehow drifted into. OK, time to move – he couldn't sit there all day, could he?   
  
He swung his legs out of the car and slid to the ground, the harsh contact of sharp gravel on bare skin dragging his gaze down to assess his current situation. He realised with dismay that he was dressed only in a black tank t-shirt and sweatpants – no shoes, a fact that he couldn't remember registering at any point during his headlong rush for freedom. It sure did now, though, making his progress to the back of the car to check out the trunk's contents less than pleasant. And it was a wasted journey anyway – it yielded nothing more than the expected spare tire and jack, and a half empty bottle of water. No gas can, no clothing, no footwear, none of the things on his wish-list – how unreasonable was that!  
  
He closed the lid again, resting both hands on it and letting his head fall forward as he tried to prevent what felt alarmingly like hysteria taking a grip. This was just great! Miles from anywhere, more suitably dressed for a dojo work out than a cross-country hike, running from something he didn't understand and with no idea where he was running to. Good work, Jesse – real good work!   
  
With an effort he straightened and looked around. A distant rumbling drew his attention to the towering thunderclouds, spitting occasional streaks of fire as the impending storm grew in force, and he could feel the approaching rain in the soft caress of the fine veil of moisture riding the wind that was starting to toss the branches of the trees.  
  
Indecision tore at him; should he stay and avail himself of the shelter offered by the car? Or go off in search of help? Dressed as he was, it should have been a no-brainer – he wasn't going to get far with no shoes, with nothing to protect him from the weather and the falling temperatures as the afternoon drew towards evening.  
  
But there was something just below the surface of his mind screaming at him that he needed to keep moving, that sitting here waiting for... whatever he knew was after him to just catch up would be far worse than whatever the elements could throw at him.   
  
'But where can I go?' wailed the child in him. He suddenly felt very small and very, very alone, dwarfed by the natural immensity of his surroundings and the apparent vastness of the dilemma that faced him. But the child answered its own question. 'Home. I want to go home.' Simple. He should be able to remember where home was, shouldn't he? And not the home of his childhood, a place he knew he no longer wanted to be. No, some place he belonged now, where he'd be safe. But when he dug into that part of his mind where that information should live, it seemed empty, a void he could find no clues in, nothing that even began to identify where that place might be.   
  
Something told him this wasn't the way it should be, that there had to be more to his existence than that which he could find in his memories. It was as if he was only half a person, as if that which made him whole had been taken from him somehow. But the more he searched for something, anything to tell him what – no, who he'd lost, the more his head ached until he couldn't even see straight, let alone think.   
  
Unnoticed, a silver curtain of rain had moved towards him across the valley beyond, and the chill shock as it hit cleared his vision a little. He was drenched in seconds, the raindrops hammering against his bare skin as the wind swirled behind them, the downpour so heavy he could barely see a few feet in any direction. But although the car stood nearby, offering immediate refuge, his mind seemed unable to accept it as a viable course of action.  
  
Why was this happening to him? 'It's not fair!' his inner child cried out again, hot tears welling up to be brushed angrily away, and a sob catching in his throat. And with it, as he held his breath to force it back down, came an unexpected yet totally familiar sensation he almost forgotten. He looked down to see, as he'd known he would, the signature of his massed self and he clung gratefully to the fact that somehow this part of who he was hadn't been entirely lost to him, even if what it had led him to seemed to be.  
  
But crawling up from the recesses of his mind, he heard again the words the older man had spoken to him. "Do you know *what* you are?" The question that had provoked his panic-struck quest for freedom. And the words once again struck terror through him, forcing any rational thought from his mind as the pain expanded again to fill all available space and sending him stumbling away down the road, unaware of where he was going but just knowing he had to get away.  
  
  
**  
  
"Brennan? Shalimar? Where are you?" Adam's voice, sounding pissed as Brennan had known he'd be when he found they weren't at their post. He raised an eyebrow at his companion and nodded towards the in-car camera, but she shook her head, not wanting to have to actually face Adam's displeasure.  
  
"We're... er... just taking a drive," she said casually.  
  
There was a brief pause, then, "Of course you are. And you wouldn't be anywhere near Southmore Ridge, I don't suppose." The sarcasm couldn't totally disguise the undercurrents of irritation that she didn't think were completely aimed at them but she kept quiet, thinking now was not really the best time to try and find out for sure. "I told you to keep track of him from here!" Adam continued forcefully. "We don't know how he'll react to your presence there – it could spark off another episode and we might lose him irretrievably."  
  
"Well, you know, Shalimar kinda felt it would be better to stay a bit closer to him, so we can get to him quicker when the time comes," Brennan offered, ignoring the glare she threw him for dropping her in it. "And now we're here, I'm inclined to agree. There's a big storm hitting this area right now, Adam, and Jesse is out there in it somewhere. We passed the car a few miles back, but his signal puts him just up ahead– which means he's still running. And unless someone left a change of clothes in the Beamer, he isn't going to be enjoying this at all." He peered gloomily out through the rain battering against the windscreen.  
  
"Are you any nearer to working out why this has happened?" Shalimar asked anxiously. "Or more to the point, how to put it right?"  
  
There was another pause.  
  
"Not yet. Emma and I are still... discussing the matter."   
  
"What's to discuss?" Shalimar said, heatedly. "If she did something to him, she undoes it. End of story!"  
  
"It may not as be straightforward as that." Adam was obviously being careful with what he said, and Brennan had to wonder if Emma was there with him.  
  
"Well, you'd better get it straight pretty quick," Shalimar almost growled, "'cos I think we've just been spotted!" She pointed to the locator signal on the display built into the dashboard, angry at herself for allowing their conversation to distract her from it. "Look, we've gone past him somehow."  
  
"Damn!" The curse came both from Brennan as he looked ahead for somewhere to turn round, and over the com system from Sanctuary.  
  
"Maybe you should just find him and bring him in now," Adam continued after a moment, a little distractedly.  
  
The feral's hissed, "Yes!" merged with Brennan's, "Might not be all that easy," as he bounced the car up and down both grass verges to get it facing the other way. "I don't think he'll come without a fight, and I'm not gonna be able to zap him in these conditions if he doesn't want to play nice."  
  
"Do what you can," Adam responded hurriedly. "I'm going to talk to Emma again – hopefully by the time you get him here, we'll have come up with a plan for helping him."  
  
A sentiment that was most definitely shared by all concerned.  
  
  
**** 


	9. Part 9

Part 9  
  
Time had lost any meaning for Jesse, his aching muscles bearing witness to the effort he was having to put into keeping himself moving over the undulating surface of the partly metalled track that twisted and turned ever upwards before him. He shivered continually despite the exercise, though he had to be thankful that the cold numbed his feet enough that he couldn't feel the bruises and abrasions they'd picked up. But the exertion was forcing his breathing into an erratic pattern of gulps and exhalations that he couldn't control, and though he somehow knew that was bad, that there was something important relating to it that he needed to remember, he didn't have the energy to struggle with the pain any exploration of his memories seemed to induce now.  
  
The rain had relented briefly before coming back with a vengeance just after he'd started this climb, driven to leave the relative flatness of the route he'd been travelling by the realisation that his tormenters were still pursuing him. He'd heard engine noise behind him, his heart leaping at the prospect of human contact before being ruthlessly squashed by a caution bordering on paranoia that had driven him up into the trees lining the road, waiting there until the car had crawled slowly past, telling himself that if all looked well he could leap out, flag them down, let them carry him away to warmth and safety.   
  
But he'd quickly recognised the sharp features of the blonde sitting next to Mr. Muscle, so he'd let them head on round the next corner before slithering back to the road and setting off in the opposite direction. There'd been a fork leading further up into the hills a few hundred yards back, and this time he'd taken it, hoping they'd give up the search.  
  
Just knowing they were out there, though, had him looking back over his shoulder almost constantly. And sure enough, his vigilance was rewarded by the sight of light growing somewhere in the grey gloom behind him – not lightning this time, just a glow that swelled until it became obvious that it was a pair of car sidelights.   
  
And he knew without having to see the occupants that somehow they'd found him again...  
  
His first instinct was to leap for cover again, hide before they could see him, but he was so weary, so cold, so tired of running that the only thing keeping him going was the tiny seed of rage they'd planted in him when he'd seen them before. Anger waged war with fear and won, and without further thought to the consequences he plunged down the hill towards them.  
  
  
"Hey, looks like he wants to talk after all." Brennan's comment as they caught sight of the dark figure was lost in the sounds of the storm as Shalimar yanked the door open and leapt from the car. He hastily climbed out after her, catching up quickly and pulling her to a standstill. "Careful," he cautioned. "We don't know which way he's gonna jump – don't want to spook him."   
  
"But *look* at him!" Her voice was a whisper, almost buried in the metallic clatter of the rain drumming down on the car behind them, her eyes locked firm on the advancing figure.  
  
Hair plastered in rat's tails to his neck and the gaunt lines of his face, clothes clinging soddenly to the contours of his body, bare feet slipping and sliding in the muddy grass bordering the road, Jesse bore down on them, eyes flashing dangerously even in the half-light of late afternoon. But Brennan knew that wasn't what she meant. Because he could also see the telltale orange/red mazing of his massed state appearing intermittently along his forearms and clenched fists, alternating with the equally recognisable fuzziness as they phased.  
  
"He hasn't done that since he was a kid – before he learnt how to control his powers!" He didn't need Shalimar's pained words to tell him this wasn't good.  
  
Despite his obvious rage, Jesse pulled up short a careful distance from them, skidding a little as he tried to find firm footing on the treacherous ground. This close they could see the rain coursing in rivulets off his goose-bumped skin, and the shivers wracking his body in the cold wind, his chest heaving as if he was having problems catching his breath. But he gave them no time to speak, launching into an angry tirade.  
  
"Who the hell are you people? Why are you following me? What do you *want* from me!!?"  
  
"Hey, take it easy, Jess," Shalimar said, raising a hand. "We just want to help."  
  
"But *why*??" The tempestuous blue eyes sparked in imitation of the passing storm. "And how the hell did you find me?!?"  
  
Brennan glanced questioningly at Shalimar, seeing the indecision in her face. With a shrug he made the choice for her, quite sure that this was something Jesse wasn't going to give up on. "Your com-link, man. Remember? We always know where to find each other." Brennan indicated the ring on his right hand.  
  
Jesse looked down at his own hand, forced to see at the same time the evidence of the growing tension running through him, swinging parts of him uncontrollably from dense to intangible with increasing regularity. The anger seemed to drain from him briefly to be replaced by despair, confusion and pain. "What's happening to me," he whispered plaintively, the lost look in his eyes tugging at Shalimar's heart. She took a half step forward, reaching out towards him, to comfort him, soothe him.  
  
"Jess, let us help you..." but her movement broke the spell and sent Jesse backing away from her. "We're your friends!" she cried in desperation, but it was already too late. The fear and anger were back in charge again, vying for supremacy.  
  
"I don't need your help – I don't need anyone's help. Why won't you leave me alone!?!" In a gesture of defiance he tugged the ring from his finger and hurled it at them, before, with a final yell of, "Just leave me alone!" he turned and fled into the trees leaving them staring in horror after him.  
  
With a sigh, Brennan activated his com-link. "Adam? We have a problem..."  
  
  
**  
  
The ripples spreading lazily across the surface of the pond seemed a feeble reflection of the turmoil going on in Emma's mind as she stared unseeingly down at it. She'd come here instinctively after running away from Adam, though she knew it was probably the first place he'd come looking for her. But it was a place of peace, somewhere that had always been a haven for her, her true sanctuary at times of stress or indecision, and right now she needed all the comfort it could give.  
  
Because, although she had to accept that what had happened to Jesse was her fault, despite her clandestine research attempts to find some other reason for it, she really was unsure that she could do anything to help him now. At least not without leaving herself far too vulnerable to the very things that she'd been trying to avoid in the first place.  
  
She'd wanted to help him back then, of course she had. To save him from having to deal with the horrific and terrifying images she'd induced in his mind with the psychic burst she'd used to deal with the approaching soldiers, images that even now she didn't want to think about the source of. She could have just smoothed them over, given him warm and secure emotions to hold onto until they faded. But when it came down to it, she'd chosen to attempt to take away all memory of the event, including the knowledge that her armoury now included a weapon of that power. And it seemed that wasn't all she'd taken...  
  
She'd post-rationalised afterwards that she was only protecting herself, doing what anyone would when faced with an untenable potential danger. Jesse would have wanted to tell everyone what she'd done, and she desperately didn't want that to happen, couldn't bear the prospect of all the inevitable questions into how and why and where, didn't want her friends fearing her, knowing the things she'd seen, felt, lived through vicariously. Things that no one her age should have had to suffer. The things that she'd drawn on to arm her new weapon...   
  
She didn't know what had gone wrong, though. She'd been quite confident she could selectively suppress just that memory, despite not really having had much opportunity to practice on subjects she could actually confirm her success rate with - GSA agents weren't people you tended to want to hang around quizzing after you'd blasted them mentally. She'd felt, though, that she had a good enough handle on it to make it relatively risk-free. But maybe she hadn't allowed for the length of time she'd had her defences down, maybe she'd still been too open to everything around her - and especially Jesse - to be able to bring the necessary precision to bear. And as a result, she'd started a cascade effect in his memories that if the evidence was to be believed was showing no signs of abating.  
  
But knowing what might have happened and being able to fix it weren't always the same thing - a lesson she'd learned during her time here, watching Adam struggle for solutions to problems he could see only too clearly. She'd never tried reversing the process, even when she'd known she'd got it right, and without being totally sure what she'd done to cause the additional damage there was a real danger that she'd just end up making things worse - if that was possible.   
  
And that prospect scared her more than anything.  
  
Adam would try to help - would *insist* on helping. But for him to do that, she'd have to tell him. Everything. And every fibre of her being was insisting that she couldn't, shouldn't do that, that he wouldn't understand what had driven her, that the questions would never stop.  
  
But where would that leave Jesse...  
  
What had she said to him out there, when he'd asked if she'd understand if he had anything more than platonic thoughts about her in future? 'I can guarantee you'll never have one of those thoughts again. About anybody. Ever.'  
  
He hadn't been entirely sure if she'd been joking, excusing himself on the pretext of getting back to work with a slightly wary smile. And to be honest, at the moment she'd said it she hadn't been sure herself. But without necessarily intending it, that's what she'd done - and to someone who'd protected her more times than she could count, whose friendship and affection had always been given openly and honestly, and whose admiration she'd secretly enjoyed.   
  
And if, by putting her own interests ahead of his, all that he was became lost forever, wouldn't that make her as bad as any of the psychopaths they'd fought so hard to take down?  
  
"Emma?" The single word made her jump, so deep in her own thoughts that she hadn't realised he was there. She knew what he wanted, though, and with a final search of her soul, she made her decision.  
  
"Yes, Adam," she said, rising gracefully to her feet to stand looking calmly at him, chin lifted determinedly, and he understood with a surge of almost uncontrollable relief that she'd won whatever battle she'd been fighting with herself. He smiled warmly down at her.  
  
"I'm glad - very glad. But I was coming to tell you - Jesse's managed to give Brennan and Shalimar the slip, and by all accounts he's in a bad way. We need to take the Helix out there, use the scanners to help pinpoint him. Can we talk on the way?"  
  
The thought that she might not even have the chance to try and remedy things sent Emma running ahead of him to the hanger bay and the waiting plane.  
  
  
**** 


	10. Part 10

Part 10  
  
Nightmarish shapes and sounds hurled themselves at him from all directions as he ran, sending him veering away from one imagined peril only to race headlong towards another. Branches nipped at him, snagging his clothes, his hair, feeling for all the world like grasping fingers that he knew he had to evade. So he kept twisting and turning and sliding his way ever onwards.  
  
Several times he'd heard the roar of something big and frightening passing overhead above the tree cover, beams of light stabbing down through the night as they tried to find him, but he knew how to make himself small, invisible even, without realising he was doing it. Beyond conscious thought, he simply reacted, like the hunted animal he'd become.  
  
But he could feel the hunters closing in, hear them shouting distantly over the blood rushing in his ears as he gasped for breath and the clatter of the rain falling through the leaves, shouting his name... And the terror it induced pushed him on and on through the demon-filled forest, temporarily overcoming the nagging sense of hopelessness that was beginning to sap his resolve.   
  
Time and again he thought they'd found him. Time and again he drove himself to elude them. But he was only delaying the inevitable.  
  
Finally, exhausted beyond endurance, his legs wobbling under him like a newborn lamb's, he collapsed into a panting, shivering heap against a tree. Drawing his cut and bleeding feet up under him, he wrapped his arms round his knees and rested his perversely hot forehead against their rain-sodden coolness. And this time, when the lights came out of the dark, and the voices called to each other all around him, he could do absolutely nothing to prevent them taking him.  
  
  
**  
  
Déjà vu all over again, Adam thought, as he watched Shalimar hovering in mother cat mode by the bio bed. No, not quite the same, he reminded himself, seeing again the evidence of Jesse's desperate attempts to escape in his bandaged feet and the darkening marks adorning his torso.  
  
He'd been in an alarming state when they'd finally tracked him down, and the image of him huddled on the muddy ground, wet and cold and shifting density with every stuttering breath, was still clearly imprinted on Adam's brain. He'd managed to stabilise his physical condition, cleaning the many cuts and abrasions he'd accumulated and using the sonic regenerator to stimulate the heavy bruising towards speedier healing. Drugs had brought his fever down and eased his breathing, and the specially created force field Adam had erected round him was helping to control his powers sufficiently that they weren't in immediate danger of losing him to unexpected sustained phasing. But all that was doing was coping with the symptoms; the underlying problem remained.  
  
He looked down at the young woman standing beside him, her expressionless features hiding what he could only imagine must be mixed emotions at what she was seeing. They hadn't had a great deal of time to talk on their way out to Southmore, or on the return journey when their main focus had been on getting Jesse calm enough to retain at least sufficient awareness of his molecular state to prevent him from inadvertently disappearing through the floor when he phased. But Adam now knew what had happened between him and Emma, and while he still didn't necessarily understand why she'd taken the extra step she had, or why she hadn't wanted to admit to it, he realized that for the moment he'd just have to be grateful they'd got this far. Hopefully there'd be more time to get to the bottom of things later.  
  
There was a noise behind him and he turned to see Brennan appear in the doorway, his still wet clothing showing that he hadn't bothered to stop by his room on his way from the garage to change. He'd volunteered to go back and secure the BMW until someone could get out to retrieve it before returning in the Mustang, allowing Shalimar to provide another pair of hands to help cope with Jesse on the journey home.   
  
Brennan's gaze rapidly swept over the scene ahead before coming to rest on Emma, though his words, when he spoke, were addressed to the room in general. "So, how're we doing? Have we tried the old mind-meld thing yet?"  
  
Shalimar looked round sharply, seeming surprised to see the others there, as if she'd been so taken up with her observation of Jesse that even her feral senses had failed to warn her of their presence. But her focus also seemed to fall on Emma, and Adam could sense the psionic's disquiet as she advanced towards them.   
  
"No," he intervened before anything could be said. "I wanted to get Jesse into a more stable condition before we subject him to anything else." He realised immediately that his choice of words could have been better, and he lifted a hand to gently touch Emma's elbow in silent apology and support as he went on. "And Emma needed a little time to prepare. This isn't going to be easy for either of them."  
  
"I don't want to hear it!" Shalimar snapped, coming to a halt in front of them. "It was apparently easy enough to make the choice to just go in and wipe a few memories, to set off this chain reaction in the first place!" She glared at Emma. "What were you thinking? How could you have tried something like that on one of us, taken that chance?"  
  
A flush rose up through the porcelain-white skin of the younger woman's face. "But it wasn't like that... I didn't think there was any risk! I didn't *mean* for this to happen – how can you believe that I did?!"  
  
Shalimar glared at her for a few seconds, then her expression softened a little and she sighed. "It doesn't really matter what I believe. All that matters is that you put it right. Now, before the damage goes any further."  
  
"If it hasn't already gone too far," put in Brennan. "From what I was hearing in the car, it sounded like he was pretty close to losing it on the Helix."  
  
Resentment washed through Emma at their failure to listen to her, to understand, made worse by Adam's soft, "If you're going to do it, it has to be soon. I don't know how much longer I can keep him like this." So much pressure on her, so much energy required to keep her defences maxed against their over-emotional barrage, so much they didn't know, didn't want to know. And they just stood there, pinning her with their expectant stares. Waiting for her to perform miracles. Because that was what this would probably have to be and she didn't know if she was strong enough, skilled enough, to do what was needed. And if she tried and failed, she wasn't sure she could live with the consequences.   
  
"You don't understand!" she blurted out. "I want to help him. I just don't know if I can do it!"  
  
There was a whimper, the barest breath of sound, but enough to have them all turning to the source; Jesse, perhaps disturbed by the tension in the room, the anger in their voices, shifted fretfully in his drug-induced somnolence, trying to curl awkwardly onto his side within his cocooning electrical shield. His eyes opened the merest of slits before closing again with another muted moan.  
  
"Look at him!" Shalimar demanded. "If it wasn't for the force field who knows what state he'd be in. We're out of options here! You have to at least try! Don't you think Jesse would if it was one of us?"  
  
As, in fact, Emma suddenly became all too vividly aware of, he had. She once again heard herself telling him what he had to do, heard the others adding their weight to a peer-pressure full-court press that no-one of Jesse's currently way too fragile self-esteem could possibly have ducked, life-or-death situation or not.  
  
So, of course, he'd taken the challenge they'd thrown down, somehow pushing aside his personal demons and then pushing himself above and beyond any boundaries he might have previously imagined for himself, both physical and mental. And in the process, he'd given them all a chance at survival.  
  
There it was, she realised. A simple question, really; if he could overcome his fear of failure for them, didn't she owe him the same? Which, when put like that, she knew there was only one answer to.  
  
Decision made, she squared her shoulders and walked over to the bed, only peripherally aware of the nods of relieved approval from her friends. "I'm going to need direct contact with him," she said, calling on her calming mantras to allow her to shed her anxieties and centre herself. Adam moved quickly to the force field switch, waiting for her ready signal before turning it off, knowing as she did that there would potentially be very little time before the lack of its protection left Jesse vulnerable to his failing control over his powers.  
  
Emma stretched out tentative fingers to touch his gaunt cheek but snatched them back almost immediately, unnerved by the way he jerked his head reflexively away. Taking a deep breath, she used both hands to cup his face and hold him still, trying not to let the way his eyes rolled around the room in dazed confusion distract her from what she needed to do. Narrowing her focus, she conjured up an image of his mind in her own, locating and then zeroing in on his memory centres, using that to fashion the telepathic probe she sent surging into the real thing. Deeper and deeper she went, peeling back the layers of his psyche until she reached the place she'd last visited all those days ago. But now, where there had been life, colour, multi-faceted shades of light and dark, there was for the most part nothing - a void with only the vaguest puddles of murk-filled existence fringing it.   
  
She wanted to cry out at the loneliness she felt there, the child-like bewilderment at this enforced isolation, but she couldn't allow herself the luxury of acknowledging the emotion. Refining her probe, she went in search of a place to try and start her repairs, finding the one bright spark, the core of self-awareness that he was clinging to, and latching into it. Encompassing it with her thoughts, tugging it gently away from the darkness, she drew on all her mental energy as she treated it to a burst of revitalising power and then pushed it firmly back towards the void, seeing it impact and rebound before regaining contact. And that point of contact glowed light again with renewed life, creating a second spark that in turn gave life to another, and another and another and on and on... Drained by the effort, she let herself slip from his mind, stumbling back to be caught and supported by waiting hands. But not before she'd seen the colours returning to the nothingness in scintillating bursts.   
  
Watching intently from a discreet distance, the others had seen Jesse stiffen suddenly as Emma's mental blast had first hit, his eyes widening in shock as she'd forced her way in. Now, the shock gave way to excruciating pain, pure agony that contorted his pale features and had him writhing against the bed. His hands came up to claw at his head as he howled out his torment and suffering to the distant corners of Sanctuary, the sound striking straight to the hearts of those listening. Then abruptly, mercifully, he slumped back, his beleaguered senses finally giving in to the inevitable.  
  
Adam hastily checked the monitors, relieved to see them registering a low but acceptable level of vital sign activity, before switching the precautionary force field on again. That done, he glanced round at a fragile-looking Emma leaning into Brennan for support, lifting a questioning eyebrow which prompted a small nod.   
  
"I think it worked," she whispered. "At least, I think it got things started."  
  
Adam nodded back, his attention returning to the unmoving figure beside him. "Then it's all up to Jesse now."  
  
  
**** 


	11. Part 11 and end

Part 11  
  
Consciousness returned slowly like a newborn stream trickling down over mountain rocks in its way to the river, and Jesse was quite content to lie unmoving in the warm darkness until it gained sufficient momentum. Eventually, though, his mind started ticking over of its own accord, prompting him to a mental inventory that only served to bring him back to full awareness with a jolt. Running? What was that all about? Who had he been running from? His other mental messengers returned from their missions with news of aching muscles and sore feet, which only added to the puzzle, so with a groan of effort he forced his eyelids open to see if his surroundings might fill in the blanks.  
  
Worried eyes greeted him through the shimmer of a force field. Brown eyes belonging to a blonde woman; hazel eyes gazing from under red bangs; more brown eyes... and he knew them all, didn't he? Somehow? He re-focussed on the blonde, feeling the tug of her concern, hearing her gentle questioning "Jesse?" and with a tiny snap that made him flinch involuntarily, the memory fell snugly into place.   
  
"Hi, Shal," he murmured, voice rasping a little over his dry throat, and let himself bask in the warmth of her smile of pure delight and, for some reason, overwhelming relief.   
  
Stretching physically brought confirmation of his earlier internal roll-call, and he had to close his eyes briefly against the awakened complaints of his abused body. When he opened them again the force field was gone and... Adam, right?... was looking down at him.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"You tell me," he countered, accepting help to sip from the glass of water being offered him. But with a vaguely amused shake of his head, Adam just responded with, "Uh uh – you first. Do you know where you are?"  
  
"Sure, I'm..." He lay back and looked around the room properly, a small frown creasing the space between his eyebrows as he saw the owner of the hazel eyes hovering to one side, with another dark-haired guy crowding in behind her, looking for all the world as if he was preventing her from leaving. Brennan and... and Emma, his mind supplied, each accompanied by that sensation again, like an over-stretched elastic band snapping back to normal, though strangely Emma's name came with an additional undercurrent of unease that was at odds with the overall feelings of rightness he was experiencing. But he smiled anyway, seeing more relief flood their features.  
  
"Jesse?" Adam prompted, and he re-focussed on him.   
  
"Med-bay," he supplied. "I'm in Med-bay."  
  
"Do you know why you're here? What's the last thing you remember?"  
  
Here we go again... questions, questions, he thought with a flash of exasperation, though he could tell from Adam's expression that something serious was going on here, even if he didn't fully understand what. So, he shut his eyes and concentrated on nailing the elusive memory down, surprised to find himself breaking out in a cold sweat at the emotional impact of what he found there. Pain flared inside his head, a lightning sharp flicker of sensation stabbing at the surface of his mind, and he had to take a deep breath to control the sudden churning in his stomach. Fighting for an anchor in the maelstrom of conflicting feelings – fear versus security, loneliness versus companionship, alienation versus belonging - he stared up wide-eyed at the older man again.  
  
  
"I was running – running away. From here – from you, from all of you! But why? That doesn't make any sense. Adam, what's going on? What happened to me?"  
  
With a broad grin that seemed shared by everyone in the room, Adam turned back from the monitor he'd been checking and rested a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "It's all right, Jesse. We kind of lost you for a while there. Things are probably going to be a little confused for a bit longer, but it looks like it's all starting to come together in your memory again."  
  
"But I don't understand..." he began, looking round the room at his friends – his family – as they converged on him.  
  
"Don't worry about it," Shalimar insisted, squeezing his leg gently. "You're safe now - everything else will come in time."  
  
"Yeah, just glad we got you back in one piece, man," Brennan put in with a grin, and Emma gazed at him with such intensity that he had the clear impression she was trying to send him a message without words that he thought he should be able to hear if his head wasn't quite so suddenly fuzzy. Despite attempts to stifle it, a yawn escaped him, his eyelids drifting closed of their own volition.  
  
"You get some rest," Adam said, chivvying the others away. "We'll talk more when you're rested." But he was already asleep  
  
  
**  
  
A gentle scratching at the edge of his mind alerted Jesse to her presence before any physical clues presented themselves, and he braced himself for what could prove to be an awkward encounter. Of all of them, she was the one he'd seen least of in the past week or so, while he'd been working on stimulating his regenerating memory base with visual and other sensory experiences, completing the reverse domino effect she'd started.  
  
To be honest, he wasn't surprised she'd stayed away, though he was still uncertain of her true reasons. Guilt, said Shalimar, while Brennan assured him she was just giving him the space and time she thought he needed to get all the pieces back together. From Adam he'd gotten very little beyond some technical stuff about inadvertently disabled memory engrams that she'd managed to jump-start into action again, but he was remembering quite enough about his recent past to know there was a lot more to it than that. And he could understand why she wouldn't want to talk to him about it – hell, there was a lot of stuff in his head right now that he wasn't sure he would ever feel able to discuss with anyone either.  
  
She was closer now, he thought, though still hidden from sight, so he greeted her softly without turning, hearing her slight intake of breath.   
  
"How...?" she queried as she moved forward from the shadows to slide onto the seat beside him, and he flashed her a wry grin.  
  
"Some sort of weird side-effect from having you in my head," he told her. "Adam says it'll fade, but... well, let's just say you wouldn't win any games of hide and seek with me right now."  
  
She blinked huge pale eyes at him, then looked away, the silence lengthening to uncomfortable proportions until with a sigh he broke it. "It's OK, you know. Everything's coming back just fine."  
  
"I know," she said with a half smile that faded too quickly. She rushed on, though, as if afraid if she didn't speak now she never would. "Jess, I need you to understand..." but he stopped her with a raised hand and a snort of suspiciously bitter-sounding laughter.  
  
"Yeah, well, that's the problem, isn't it? We all need people to understand - who we are, why we do the things we do... to see us as we see ourselves. And all without us having to come flat out and tell them... But life for most of us doesn't seem to work that way. The ironic thing is, though, that you're the only one of us who can actually do that - understand totally without words. If you choose to..." He looked sideways at her, ice-blue gaze catching a stray reflection of light from the pool below. "If you'd asked me not to say anything about what you did out there, I wouldn't have," he continued softly, and a little sadly. You should have known that, he could have added, you didn't have to take away my right to make that choice for myself. But he didn't need to say it out loud - they both knew the charge was there.   
  
And she had no real defence, at least none that really made any sense now. After all that had happened she could only vaguely recall the instinctive urge that had driven her to invade his mind, and now that she'd revealed at least some of her inner fears about her burgeoning abilities to Adam she realised how unnecessary the whole thing had been. Jesse was right. She should have known he'd understand, that he – that all of them - would accept and not judge.   
  
"It's what friends – *partners* – do, isn't it? Back each other up? If we can't trust each other, who can we trust?" he finished, telling her by his use of her own term that he now remembered everything that had passed between them out there.   
  
She caught his eye briefly then sighed. "I know," she repeated. "And I'm sorry."  
  
A long moment passed while she waited for his response, almost holding her breath until, with a small smile, he said, "Yes, I know you are. But like I said, it's OK. I guess we both learned some stuff about ourselves that we weren't really expecting, huh?"  
  
Leaning hesitantly towards him, she slid her arm through his and rested her forehead lightly against his shoulder. "Definitely food for thought. I just hope the lessons didn't come at too high a price." Then, as quietly as she'd arrived, Emma pulled away from him and slipped off into the darkness.  
  
Jesse let her go, absently flexing his mostly healed bare feet as he stared down into the water, mind returning automatically to the matters that had been pre-occupying him before her appearance, like fingers to a persistent itch.   
  
The warring emotions he'd experienced when he'd first woken up were less combative now, but the dichotomy still existed in him, exacerbating the nagging feelings of inadequacy and insecurity that had been plaguing him since his powers had jumped to their next level. On the other hand, the brief period he'd spent as an exile, albeit without understanding the real reasons why, had left its mark too, the terrible loneliness of having nowhere to go, no one to go to, no one to care... And he knew that wasn't something he wanted to experience again in a hurry.  
  
Newly released memories flooded through him; good times spent with Shalimar, with Adam and the others, laughter and warmth and friendship, battles fought and won together, problems overcome. He knew he still had issues, things he needed to resolve for himself, but at least, for now, he had a place to belong. A home.  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
